Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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