Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
