the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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