I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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