my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
