The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
