I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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