you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
