neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
