Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
