Just fell off a train. Bad.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just pee around me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
