There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
