We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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