Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
