and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
