Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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