sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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