apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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