he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
