The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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