My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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