life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
