I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
