Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
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