i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
