I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
