I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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