i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
