I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
