I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
