Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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