sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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