i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Randomize
