I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
