I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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