if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
