My room smells like vodka and shame
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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