I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
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It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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