your parents love me but you hate me
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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