u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
