Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
