Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
