My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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