Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I touched a dick in church today
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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