I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
