I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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