No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
