my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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