We won't sleep together?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
