sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
