just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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