you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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