Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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