When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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