I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
