Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
