I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
