hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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